5.3.11

Don't Make Big Decisions When You're Tired



(don't talk to daddy right now)


When I get tired, I get emotional. I know that's totally not a guy thing to say. But it's true.

My love will attest to it. In fact, she takes on the role of my protector when my exhaustion puts me in this most irrational state. She keeps me safe, talks me down and generally helps me let go of whatever I am over thinking.

I love her.

But she was not, unfortunately, looking over my shoulder when I started to consider my 200th Blog Post.

Did I mention this is the 200th time I've posted on this blog?



(show me the money)


Over three years, through three name changes and presented under three titles, this blog has become a part of my writing life. I like how it has evolved. I like my readers, my content and my theme. I'm in a good place blogwise.

So, what should I do with my 200th Blog Post?

I decided to go back and read through some past blogs, sort of center myself and remember what the heck I had been doing for the past 1,000 days.

Remember what I said up there about being tired? Well, a couple of days ago I was beyond tired. Wednesday I woke up at 5am, drove for a total of about 8 hours, attended and spoke at a beautiful memorial for my brother-in-law, got home at 7:30 and prepared for an all day meeting the following day. Thursday was that all day meeting an hour away from home.

By Thursday night I was beyond done.

That was probably not a good time to go back and read old blog posts.

For some reason that escapes me now, I decided I didn't like the content of my earlier posts. I vaguely remember thinking they were too personal, too work related or too poorly written. I felt a panic settling in my gut that people might go back and read these things.

So I started deleting.

And deleting.

And deleting.

Like an OCD patient washing his hands, I couldn't seem to get my blog clean.



(out out damn spot)


By the time I was done, by the time I was able to halt the butchering, I had removed almost 125 blog posts.

I know.

I didn't archive them. I deleted them forever.

I know.

I feel as if I've suffered a self-inflicted wound.

And while this is the 200th time I've posted on this blog, I can no longer say this is my 200th blog post. That milestone is now probably two years away.

Plenty of time to plan a better post than this!

Thanks for reading, off to write!

Cheers,

Casey



You can access that first photo from the artist known as Hidlight here: http://hidlight.deviantart.com/art/tired-man-164012217

9 comments:

  1. I say HOORAY for letting go!

    I don't mean to be insensitive--I'm so sorry for the loss, I am. But I think detachment from our own words and accomplishments can be an awesome and freeing place.

    Congrats on 200!

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  2. Okay Charlie Sheen wannabe, time to step away from the crack-pipe. ;) xoxo

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  3. oh gosh! I get similar pangs at times,but I dont write to many personal posts ,so my OCD is not nearly that prominent:-)...

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  4. I yiyi, I am so sorry.
    But congrats on 3 years and 200 posts! That's huge.
    Cheers, jj

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  5. Oh Casey, I am so sorry to hear of the deleted posts. Let this be the forum that you write whatever it is that you feel after all, isn't that what blogging is about. At the same time though, if you feel that a burden has been lifted by having deleted those posts then good for you. We can only try to better ourselves. And, I can attest to having been here for probably all 200 posts. So, congratulations. Here's to many more. We'll be here for the ride!

    Take care,
    Mervat.

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  6. Wow. I can relate to looking through previous posts and finding fault with them, but I haven't ever deleted them.

    Actually, that sounds like a brave thing to do. My heart is actually beating a bit faster even considering doing the same.

    This reminds me of something I read by Carlos Castaneda, about how to go beyond the ego, the personality, by creating something you are proud of, that is special, and then destroying it. It was all a bit deep for me, but something to do with deconstructing barriers and patterns of behaviour.

    What it adds up to, is freedom.

    Just look on it as an opportunity and motivation to write more...

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  7. Anonymous6/3/11 15:03

    Don't beat yourself up so much, Case. You write beautifully, and person stuff is what blogging is all about, but maybe somehow, your deleted posts are the freedom you need too keep at it. Don't look back, look forward. xoxo

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  8. Anonymous11/3/11 20:28

    Darn....gone forever.
    Pam

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  9. Hiya! I am so excited to know if you attract a lot of traffic to your journal?

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